The Solution is…

…there is no solution. That’s the solution.

What?

No. Really. Sometimes in life there are no solutions to some things, and so the solution is that there is no solution. You accept it and move on. I realized that today.

And by move on, I’m not saying that her and I are not seeing each other anymore. I’m saying that we stop trying to solve this problem, just accept the situation for what it is, and move on to things that we can solve.

The root cause is fear. As it says in the book Dune, “Fear is the mind killer.” What we need to do is start removing the things that cause us to fear, start nibbling away at them one at a time until they crumble and fall. Eliminate the fear so that in the long run a solution can then present itself.

Until then, our situation is the result of other situations which have to be solved first.

Does that make sense?

In the meantime, we’ll be together Friday, and both of us are very happy and excited by that!

It’s all a big mess

My love and I have redefined our relationship as “friends.” This is killing both of us and I suspect our friends find it ridiculous. To see us together is to see two people madly in love.

The problem is that she can’t move forward with a divorce and has basically given up trying. In order to keep her estranged husband from snatching away her youngest daughter, she has to keep her relationship with me a secret. He blames me for the breakup of their marriage, and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything — it was him that broke up their marriage, years ago, by being an abusive jackass — before I was even in the picture. The two of them don’t even live in the same state anymore. But because he’s abusive, because he’s willing to use their own children as weapons, and because he has her at a total disadvantage for several complicated legal reasons (that have something to do with him being in the military), she’s unwilling to fight him any more.

So where does that leave us? How can we have an actual relationship where she has to hide me from people, and I can’t see her openly, and I have to explain to people that my girlfriend is actually married to someone else and, no, they’re not divorcing?

Also, what is the message we’re sending to our kids? I can see it both ways:

A) We’re showing them that two people who are truly in love should be together no matter what.

B) But, we’re also showing them it’s okay to have an extramarital relationship?

Talk about mixed signals. We’re in favor of A but not of B.

We had a rather hard conversation yesterday (it seems we only talk via text in one form or another anymore) where she told me a psychologist (which I’m planning to start seeing) would probably tell me this relationship is unhealthy and I should break it off completely. But when her and I are actually together, which is not that often anymore, it’s like drinking from the fountain of youth. It’s the most healthy, whole, and rejuvenating happiness either of us has ever experienced.

We’ve concluded the whole thing has become a mess, and neither of us know what to do about it. The only thing I know is that I’m not going to put my life on hold anymore, and I’m not going to have another miserable Christmas wishing I was with someone who I can’t be with. What that means, I’m not sure. My plan at this point is to concentrate on building a social circle where I live, and flying myself and my daughter back to California to be with family next Christmas.

Anyone have any advice? I’d love to hear it. I’m at my wit’s end about this.

Suckwad Christmas

I swear to myself and the Univese at large, this is the absolute LAST suckwad Christmas I will allow to happen. It was okay to endure it when I was alone, because I could pretend it was just another day, but now that I have one of my kids living with me it is NOT OKAY. It is not okay to be lonely and somber while pretending to have fun, it is not okay to be NOT surrounded by family and friends, and it is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY TO NOT BE ABLE TO BE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE ON CHRISTMAS. It is absolutely NOT FUCKING ACCEPTIBLE. This is me putting my foot down. I am not doing this again.

One way or the other next year is going to be different.

No more waiting

I’ve been waiting for so long that it’s become an ingrained habit that’s permeated just about every aspect of my life. It’s worn a groove into my soul, to the point where it’s my default behavior. This is not good. Now it’s going to become a battle to get out of it.

I need to challenge myself to go from waiting to doing.

It snowed this morning

She put “It’s time for change” on her Facebook so I put the same on mine. I can’t bring myself to change the relationship status to “Single.” I wanted the fairy tale ending. We both did. But promises were made that couldn’t be kept. We released each other from the promises but the love is still there. Lives change and puzzle pieces get rearranged … I guess it will take a while to figure out what pieces fit where in the new puzzle. I love her all the way to 11 but I don’t know if we still have an 11 or just two ones.

Wintering goes the Bear

Im feeling sad and tired and basically want to just crawl deep into a cave and hibernate like the bear I am. Choosing between being unhappy or unhappier is not much of a choice. But we all make choices and sooner or later you have to live with them. Mine have led to a heavy heart. But there’s always a new day. Well, not always. But when the time comes that there isn’t a new day, then … Oh well. Not much you can do about that besides believe in a fresh start anyway. It’s pointless to think otherwise.