Probably Nothing

I’ve scheduled a session with a psychologist to help me sort through these jumbled emotions. I haven’t seen one since 2004, and I’m actually looking forward to it … especially since my insurance covers it. Booya insuance!

Something that’s troubling me right now is hard to express, and I don’t want to bore everyone with the details, but this is my attempt to sum it up in a nutshell: I’ve had to let go of things so much in my life that I’ve become an expert at it. I can shut off and walk away from just about anything. It’s made me not want to attach to things so that I don’t have to let go of it later. Does that make sense? And now I find I’m sick and tired of letting things go, and I want to hold something tight and keep it as mine and have it close to my heart, and not let go of it, ever ever.

And yet all signs point to me having to let it go.

I wonder what the psychologist will tell me.

Probably nothing.


2 thoughts on “Probably Nothing

  1. Don’t let me go my love. Please don’t shut off and walk away from us.  Hold me close to your heart and continue to believe.  We have made it this far.  The last part of the journey is always the hardest.

  2. Oh Probably Something…I cannot say that I know exactly what you are going through but I understand my own relationship to the life lessons of loss. I too am seeing someone as I make my way through this strange relationship to grief…never sure what it has in store for me from one moment to the next.  What I do know is that no matter what happens life goes on…I know it is an old…but true saying.  And how we choose to go on with it is up to us. But we have to be in a place where we can maintain as we heal.  I have been moving through this life lesson over and over again.  In the past three and a half years I lost my wonderful life in New Mexico…but I gained two and a half years with my Mom who had been estranged from me…by her choice for seven years prior.  In the past two years I have lost my sweet Dad and uncle, and my beloved Mom to cancer.  I have also my lovely Grandma and my dear dear friend and mentor Ann.    I concede, death and loss are a part of the fabric of living and it is how I chose to wear it, feel it, express it and deal with it that makes the difference in how I not only survive it but how I thrive in the midst of it. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you make your way through this.  I too am returning to Xangaland and hope that I am still considered your friend here. Big hugs, Ashes  

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