I’ve started seeing a psychologist, and he’s a really good one. Nothing like the passive sex voyeur I saw back in Texas. This guy is focused on results and giving me tools.
Yesterday I learned something major.
I’m basically a sweetheart kind of guy who, as far back as I can remember, has never intentionally hurt anyone. Because of that, I never really learned what true guilt is — at least, not that kind of guilt. The guilt of hurting someone intentionally.
That being said, I’ve always felt bad when bad things happen to people, and especially when it was something I did, or do, that causes that hurt. I’ve carried a world of these bad feelings with me my whole life. Then yesterday my shrink taught me that important, vital thing:
There’s a huge difference between being guilty, and feeling bad. I’ve always felt guilty. But since I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone, I have no reason to actually feel guilty — for anything. Bad, yes. It’s right and natural to feel bad for something that causes someone pain — but to blame yourself for it? To carry around guilt because of it? No.
Learning that, learning that I’ve been misplacing guilt my entire life, feeling guilty for things I should never have felt guilty for, was one of those huge “Why the fuck didn’t I know this?” moments. I walked out of the office feeling rather heavy, somber, and then suddenly it was like a huge weight lifted off of me, and I felt like I was suddenly full of helium. I had always been trying to forgive myself for things … turns out I never needed to! There was nothing to forgive!
I am feeling really good right now.